Decisions, Decsions

How do you decide how many babies to have? Money? Age? Space? Time? 1st birth amnesia? Whatever the reason, it is incredibly personal. I would have enough to start a band...if I could. Victor and I are at that point where we know the time is near to make a decision whether or not to have Isla 2.0. For him it is because of age, and he already thinks he is an old dad. For me it is because I would like them to be close in age. The hesitation? Victor likes to travel and believes one is enough. I'm scared. Most of you reading this won't know what it was like for us to have Isla. To say it was a nightmare would be an understatement...I'm sharing this here, because I never want to forget and I want Isla to know what it took to get her here. I started this blog to keep a record of our life for Isla to read one day. I know this post is a little late, but it is important for me to have it on record for her.

We found out we were pregnant in July of 2011. We decided to only tell close friends and family that we were expecting. It was a very easy pregnancy until October 18th. I woke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I got the urge to go again, but couldn't remember how long it had been since the last time I had gone (pregnancy brain). I got back in bed, felt wet. Seriously? I JUST PEED AND NOW I'M PEEING THE BED! I don't remember how long this went on until I started to think that it wasn't normal. I woke Victor up in a panic to call the doctor. My doctor advised I relax, get some sleep, and come in first thing. I knew something was wrong. I got up yet again to go to the bathroom. I won't describe what happened next, but I screamed for Victor and as soon as he saw me he dropped to his knees.

The ER is a mile from our condo, but the drive felt hours long...I was seen right away and the doctor told us I was going to lose the baby. I was just shy of 19 weeks, so the term he used was threatened abortion. He said my cervix was incompetent and that was that. Hello? Asshole! Where is your bedside manner? We just cried and prayed while we waited for the ultrasound tech to arrive. I was admitted after the ultrasound.  My doctor was already there for a delivery so he came by to deliver the news. My water broke. I did not have an incompetent cervix and I was not losing the baby as the ER jackass doctor had said. He pumped me full of antibiotics (your water is what keeps bacteria away from the baby) and told me to relax and pray for the fluid to replenish. I was diagnosed with PROM: Premature Rupture of Membranes.

They did an ultrasound every few hours to measure my fluid and after 24 hours he told us the rupture was too large and the sac couldn't repair itself fast enough to hold any fluid. He predicted labor in a matter of hours. 24 hours later and no labor. He had a long chat with us about our options. 1. Go home and see what happens. This meant that I could go into labor in a day or carry until the baby was 24 weeks and the spend A LOT of time in the NICU. This also meant that the baby would be without fluid and suffer a sever lack of oxygen. The baby stood a good chance of cord problems, limbs not developing properly, etc... 2. He could induce me and the baby would not survive. I wanted so badly to wait. To see what happened. To prove them wrong. I also know what I can handle and what I can't. You never know the decision you'll make in this instance until you have to make it. We decided to induce. I was in labor for 7 hours. I delivered our son on October 21, 2011. I don't know if he even took one breath. They asked if we wanted to name him. They asked if we wanted to hold him. They asked if we wanted to dress him in these morbid little clothes that old ladies make to donate to unlucky parents like us and take photos. For real? I couldn't. I couldn't do any of it. I could only cry. And I still cry.

He was due on March 31, 2012. Victor and I decided to have a fancy date that night to keep me from jumping off the balcony. We also decided not to wear a jacket in the rain...4 weeks later I peed on a stick (20+ sticks actually). Here comes the I-know-I'm-going-to-lose-this-baby-too anxiety!

I was spending so much money on tests that I started getting them in bulk for $1 at Wal-mart. This test was accurate 5 days before the fancy digital version below...

This is why we didn't tell many people we were pregnant with Isla. This is why only those around us knew, because, ahem, duh! This is why we didn't tell his parents until 29 weeks. This is why no bump photos were shared on Facebook. This is why I lived in fear everyday for 39 weeks. This is why I am petrified of trying again. My pregnancy with Isla was hard. In addition to the panic attacks before every appointment (weekly because I was high risk), it hurt. I know women have complaints when pregnant, but let me tell you, oh lawdy it hurt!. I started to develop a condition at 14 weeks. SPD: Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is thought to affect 1 in 4 pregnancies, with only 7% of those cases as extreme as mine. Let me just say, when I would roll over, my pelvis would pop and it seriously felt like my Queen Victoria was going to split in two. Can you imagine? Your vagina bone popping every time you moved! I rarely wore pants because I was already in tears from putting on panties. I had to take baths because I couldn't stand up in the shower. In spite of all the anxiety, pain, and fear, I loved being pregnant! I loved watching my belly dance. I loved how thick my hair was. I loved talking to her and holding her in my belly. I would and could have endured that forever. Isla, you are more than worth every tear I shed. 

Timeline of my dramatic pregnancy:

14 weeks: First sings of SPD

16 weeks: It's a GIRL!

17 weeks: Abnormal ultrasound showing cysts in baby's brain

18 weeks: Cysts getting smaller

20 weeks: Cervix showed signs of incompetence and I could go to work but spend all other time in bed

20 weeks - One of the only bump photos I allowed Vic to take because I was scared to look back on them if shit went south.

21 weeks: Cervix was dangerously close to opening and I went on full bedrest

22 weeks: Crying hourly

23 weeks: Ran out of movies, mags, books, and tv shows and started full marathons of every Real Housewives franchise

24 weeks: Fell in love with Kim from RHOA

25 weeks: Cervix was growing!

26 weeks: In so much pain from the SPD that I couldn't get out of bed

27 weeks: Yay!!! Made it! My perinatologist told me this is earliest he wanted me to deliver

30 weeks: Quite enjoying snuggling my Gertie all day :)

36 weeks: Received permission to get out of bed for maternity photos

37 weeks: This was supposed to be the week of my induction. The doctors were afraid if she got too big she would break my weak pelvis, but she was too small.

39 weeks: Isla was due on Christmas day, but she was starting to get a wee too big for my dr's comfort level so we induced. Islaboo, I will post you entire birth story...some day :)

Headed to the hospital - Hello, swollen face!

Labor was the easiest part of that entire pregnancy. Seriously, labor pains didn't even compare to the SPD pain I had been in for months. Bring on the contractions! Mama's got this! It felt so surreal to finally hold this beautiful and calm baby girl in my arms. Right from the start, Isla was an angel. She just blinked and put her little fist up to her face. My reward for that hell was a baby that didn't cry and this precious hand to hold through life. I love you Islaboo!