Wednesday, April 15, 2015

You never know, until you know

My husband and I recently went away on a much anticipated trip of Munich and Prague. It was truly the best trip we have shared together in the past five years. I plan to post the deets of that trip very soon (I'm still editing photos).

I looked at my iperiod app (yes, there's an app for that) and saw that my monthly cycle was set to start the day we arrived in Europe - oh for eff's sake, really?! That's what I get for not checking dates prior to booking the flights... I stocked up on the necessary arsenal and off we went.

On the last day of our trip, we found ourselves outside of a pharmacy with an extra 2 Euro to burn, so I plucked it down for an I-know-I'm-not-but-we-got-this-extra-2-euro pregnancy test, took my change (yes, it was that cheap!), and headed to the hotel to grab our luggage.

My husband was off downing some free booze before our car arrived and I made haste to the nearest public bathroom - fun fact: I find myself armed with pregnancy tests in more public bathrooms than I do in my own at home.

The test said negative. Anyone who has ever peed on a stick will tell you that even when hoping for a negative result, the sight of one still stings and makes you wonder if you wasted all your good eggs on college and birth control.

The test was a twofer, so when I hadn't started a few days later (now 9 days late) I took the second test. Negative. Well shit! I guess I should call the doctor because I obviously have cancer!

Later that night: "why is there a pregnancy test in the bathroom? Are you still late?" asked my husband
"Ew, sorry, I'll just go throw that away."

Ummm, my previously negative result was now positive. Now, had this not happened one other time I would have thrown it away per package instructions, but I knew. I just knew it was right.

Pregnancy confirmed. Bank account less $14 - the Europeans know what's up with $1.50 price point! $14?! 

We were scared shitless! I had started to rethink my want of a second child due to the horrific attitude of my first - a girl can only get smacked in the face and screamed at so many times before she starts to empathize with China's one kid policy.

First thing out of Victor's mouth? "Is it mine?"
What the eff effity eff?! Did he just ask me that?!?! I swear he loves me... I swear we're happy... I just laughed and told him to get his wishful thinking in check.

Fast forward a week - I started what I knew in my heart of hearts was a miscarriage. I knew because I'd been down that road before and it ain't pretty. All of a sudden I knew. I knew we wanted this baby and we were meant to turn our threesome into a foursome. Unfortunately, it just wouldn't be with this baby at this time.

I had just went through one of the worst weeks in my professional career and came out of that stressful week with a face of acne and a miscarriage. A month went by and I no longer work for Chloe + Isabel. On my last day there, my husband left work early to be with me and console me. We spent the day talking, laughing, and eating candy in bed. As we were on our way to pick up Isla from school, he looked over at me and said, "this may be the first day of the rest of our lives." 
Wink wink ;)

As much as the loss hurt, I was so incredibly happy + grateful that I already had one back-talking, shin-kicking, hair-pulling monster of my own. I love you, Islaboo, and I am so happy I'm your mother and you're my daughter. You were the light of those dark days and I am forever grateful that I had you to snuggle and smooch on as I came to terms with the loss of another Fernandez baby. 

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a child or never had the chance to. 


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